Sunday, March 24, 2013

If I'm Being Honest...

Ok so I am freaking out, and I'm not entirely sure why. Aside from my lovely bout of the flu at the beginning of the week, I don't know why I should feel as much anxiety as I have been for the past couple days. It's so bad that I've been having a hard time sleeping, with terrible dreams to top it all off. Plus I've been waking up with stomach cramps from my bad nerves.

The worst part about having this feeling is that I can't really figure out why I am so anxious. I mean I know why I might be, and the truth is that it might be EVERYTHING I am dealing with, not just one thing, that has me feeling this way.

Possible Causes of my Anxiety:
1. Having no real job means I have no real money and no ability to go out and do things.
2. I have no control over the house in which I live. I prefer to stay in my bedroom at this point...don't even get me started on the decorating choices in the living room.
3. Whenever James and I do go out with friends or his family, they are HIS friends and family, which I think makes me feel the need to impress them even more than I might normally feel when meeting people.
4. James' family is experiencing internal drama pretty much all the time.
5. Overall I feel a lack of control over my life and that scares me. I'm scared of what my future holds. I'm scared of how dependent I feel on James right now. I'm just scared.

I know that these feelings are a part of moving to a new city and trying to make a life there, but I have to write about it because the knots in my stomach keep getting worse, and I have to start acknowledging it. I like to pretend that I'm ok most of the time, and it takes its toll. Hopefully writing this down will help some.

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